Guilt Trip
Guilt. It’s an ugly word. There isn’t much fun about it. I don’t see a way to jazz it up with other adjectives or a fancy font. It is a word and a feeling that weighs heavily, just like that damn albatross in The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.
You can see where this is going, I’m sure. I’m taking you for a little trip into my psyche. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
I am a guilt tripper. I don’t mean that I try to make others feel guilty, what I mean is that I trip out about my own guilt. Not exactly in a fun psychedelic way, but in an existential crisis kind of way. When something sad or difficult or unfavorable happens and I’m a part of it, total and complete guilt tripping ensues.
In my mind, I see a million ways I could have avoided the situation or at least improved the outcome. Some of these things are realistic, some are not. For instance, my beautiful beloved cat died in April. She was about 18 years old and had kidney failure and I had to make the decision to put her little body to rest.
Cue the Conga line of guilt accompanied by a music montage of ways that I could have done more, been better, spent more time with her, fed her different food, made her more comfortable, loved her more, sang to her more, danced with her more… you get the picture. Just a spiral of guilt that still stabs at me from time to time.
In reality, I loved that cat to bits. I loved her to the point where people were probably wondering about my sanity. I did everything I could afford to do to make her happy and comfortable and cared for. I did everything I knew how to do. I used all of the information and resources at my disposal to care for this beautiful creature. However, in the end I have a negative voice in my head that tells me I could have done more and done better for her.
I grapple with guilt in many instances from big to small. My inner critic will seize on anything to play on my mental movie reel and point out ways that I could have done it all better, all perfectly.
What is the point of this opus? To remind myself and my fellow guilt trippers that we are doing the best we can with the knowledge that we have. You've heard that adage, "when you know better you do better." At some point we have to stop beating ourselves up. Mistakes and missteps teach us how to do better and route us in the right direction. Take what has happened, learn from it and make amends where you can.
And after you have done all that you can to learn and grow, if you still have that persistent critical voice in your head, try this visualization technique: Imagine that the voice is coming from the television in your living room, walk over to it, pick up the remote and TURN IT OFF. Enjoy the silence.
