May It Last

I am still not ready to say August is over. I even put off writing this post so that I could squeeze in a bit more of that August glow. I’m not saying it was a nonstop laugh-a-thon, but it had some very bright moments that I didn’t want to leave behind.

Alas, time marches on and I am now knee deep in the busy season of fall. And seriously, the past few weeks have been full of highs and lows for me and my friends and family. I'm looking at you, Irma. However, I’m going to be grateful for the good things and be at peace with the things that did not go well.

Here’s a quick recap of what I’ve been up to since the last time we spoke:

• Saw my favorite band with one of my favorite friends. The Avett Brothers played the San Diego Civic Theatre. They were hot, the crowd was tepid. My favorite part was flashing back to being my 21-year-old self at the Social in Orlando with Nina and seeing the Bros for the first time.
   
• Attended the Landmark Forum. If you have trouble letting of the past (honestly, that’s all of us, so don’t try to front), you need to get yourself enrolled in the Forum ASAP. I spent three 13-hour days in a conference room with 109 strangers creating a new me. It was amazing. The Landmark Forum is a personal development seminar that helps you to get to the bottom of the persistent issues in your life and resolve them! I’m always in pursuit of improving myself and this set me free in a big way. It is something I will never forget and I want everyone I know to do it, too.
   
• Spent Labor Day weekend attempting to escape the oppressive end-of-summer heat and lounging on the couch with my cat.
   
• Started yoga teacher training. This is something that I have wanted to do for a few years, but I struggled to find a program that suited my schedule. I also needed to get over the fact that I thought I wouldn’t be good at it. I took the leap and I am so happy that I am in the program and learning and growing. I love being a student.
   
• Tonight, I’m going to see the Avett Brothers documentary May It Last and I’m deeply excited about it.

Although I have a touch of melancholy that August is officially over, I am excited about where I am and I’m rooting for 2017 to turn things around for the nation and the world. It’s almost the fourth quarter, let’s end this on a high note, eh guys?

Guilt Trip

Guilt. It’s an ugly word. There isn’t much fun about it. I don’t see a way to jazz it up with other adjectives or a fancy font. It is a word and a feeling that weighs heavily, just like that damn albatross in The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

You can see where this is going, I’m sure. I’m taking you for a little trip into my psyche. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?

I am a guilt tripper. I don’t mean that I try to make others feel guilty, what I mean is that I trip out about my own guilt. Not exactly in a fun psychedelic way, but in an existential crisis kind of way. When something sad or difficult or unfavorable happens and I’m a part of it, total and complete guilt tripping ensues.

In my mind, I see a million ways I could have avoided the situation or at least improved the outcome. Some of these things are realistic, some are not. For instance, my beautiful beloved cat died in April. She was about 18 years old and had kidney failure and I had to make the decision to put her little body to rest.

Cue the Conga line of guilt accompanied by a music montage of ways that I could have done more, been better, spent more time with her, fed her different food, made her more comfortable, loved her more, sang to her more, danced with her more… you get the picture. Just a spiral of guilt that still stabs at me from time to time.

In reality, I loved that cat to bits. I loved her to the point where people were probably wondering about my sanity. I did everything I could afford to do to make her happy and comfortable and cared for. I did everything I knew how to do. I used all of the information and resources at my disposal to care for this beautiful creature. However, in the end I have a negative voice in my head that tells me I could have done more and done better for her.

I grapple with guilt in many instances from big to small. My inner critic will seize on anything to play on my mental movie reel and point out ways that I could have done it all better, all perfectly.

What is the point of this opus? To remind myself and my fellow guilt trippers that we are doing the best we can with the knowledge that we have. You've heard that adage, "when you know better you do better." At some point we have to stop beating ourselves up. Mistakes and missteps teach us how to do better and route us in the right direction. Take what has happened, learn from it and make amends where you can.

And after you have done all that you can to learn and grow, if you still have that persistent critical voice in your head, try this visualization technique: Imagine that the voice is coming from the television in your living room, walk over to it, pick up the remote and TURN IT OFF. Enjoy the silence.

Chicago

Traveling is my No. 1 favorite thing to do. It is the lynch-pin of my self-care routine. If I find myself without a trip planned within the next few months, I feel trapped and stifled and I get a little panicky. I have to make a distinction: While I love a good road trip or weekend excursion, I need to get on an airplane to feel the sense of calm that travel provides. Maybe it’s because I feel a some kind of transformation when rocketing through the air, crossing time zones and landing some place completely different. I love the exhilaration of embarking on rapid change.

In June, the stars aligned for a really quick trip to Chicago -- I was on the ground in the city for about 36 hours. Hardly enough time to scrape the surface, but for me the rejuvenation I got from the trip made it completely worth it.

You see, the added bonus was that I was meeting up with my Faux Mom and my Faux Sister who were in town for a conference. I don’t get to see these lovely people as much as I would like, so I was not about to pass up this opportunity.

I booked a cheap ticket with Spirit Airlines and made it work. I traveled light and packed my basic needs into my personal item and took off.

Here's the round up of what we did with 36 hours. We definitely covered some ground and made great memories. If you find yourself in Chicago, I fully endorse everything listed below.

8 p.m. June 25 to 1 a.m. June 26

• I landed at O’Hare, grabbed a Lyft and met my crew downtown at Elephant and Castle. On the way there, I passed The Chicago Theatre with its amazing neon sign lit up.
   
• After dinner at Elephant and Castle, we hopped over to Susan Sarandon’s ping pong club SPiN. Typically, I’m not a clubber (clubbist, club-ologist, clubgoer… whatever) but mix ping pong with wine and some gal pals and you’re looking at a great time.

Inside Goddess and the Baker. Photo by Ranger Holly.

June 26 - The only full 24 hours we had together

• Breakfast at Goddess and the Baker. Awesome food, coffee, tea and knick-knacks. My favorite part was that we were right under the tracks of the metro. I know, sometimes I’m still just a little mountain girl.
   
• Stopped by the Bean, formally known as Cloud Gate in Millennium Park, for a quick photo op.
   
• Played a round of mini golf at Maggie Daley Park.
   
• Rented bikes and rode them down to Navy Pier. Full disclosure: I don’t have the best track record when it comes to bike riding (once, I very embarrassingly ran into a parked car), but I survived and it was so much fun.
   
• Massages at DQ Luxury Reflexology Massage & Relaxation Retreat, this place was great, they accommodated the three of us together without an appointment. We had about an hour wait before we could go in, so we popped down the street to Kitty O’Sheas for a snack to stave off any hunger pangs.
   
• We walked from DQ to Tesori for dinner and I spotted some great street art along the way.
   
• After dinner, it was sadly time to start packing up and getting ready for our flights out the next day.

Mural by Morley. Photo by Ranger Holly.

June 27- Flight departs at 3:10 p.m.

• Breakfast at Goddess and the Baker again. We’re creatures of habit or gluttons, not sure which, but someone ordered cake for breakfast… so you be the judge.
   
• Walked Faux Sister to the metro stop.
   
• Did some shopping with Faux Mom and then walked her to the metro stop.
   
• With about 1.5 hours left on my hands, I went to The Chicago Art Institute and filled my eyes with as many beautiful images as I could. The best part was seeing Grant Wood’s American Gothic. I had no idea it was there (I know, such a rube) and it was one of those amazing moments where you thank yourself for doing something very right.
   
• With that, I jetted back to the airport and after a quick stop in Las Vegas (where I saw Flava Flav, clock and all), I was back home in San Diego.

Our last "supper" at Goddess and the Baker. Photo by Ranger Holly.

Meditation break

Secret's out: I love meditation. My first experience with meditation came when I was 5 years old and I started taking karate classes with my older brother. Before and after each lesson the class would meditate on what we had learned. At that age, my meditation was mostly a visualization of a small man inside my brain which was full of filing cabinets and he was filing the lessons that I had learned.

After age 12 when I stopped taking lessons, I didn't have a formal meditation practice anymore. But, I think it would have helped because as you know after about that age, shit gets real.

I picked meditation back up about five years ago with morning and evening sessions. This practice has made a huge impact on my ability to stay calm and weather the storm of life and deal with things beyond my control (i.e. everything).

When things are getting particularly heinous during any given day, I will take a meditation break at work. It lowers my blood pressure, anxiety, stress, worries or whatever emotional distress I am experiencing. And it's a hell of a lot healthier than a smoke break.

If you're interested in trying meditation or adding something different to your existing practice, some of my favorite meditations are:

• Jai-Jagdeesh Kaur's I am Thine
   
• Gabrielle Bernstein's Climbing Meditation
   
• Doreen Virtue's Chakra Clearing Meditation

For August

Seven years ago on August 1, I got a grasshopper tattooed to the top of my left foot where I would be guaranteed to see it every day.

This grasshopper is to remind me that I do not always have to be the responsible ant. I need to balance my life and be the carefree grasshopper as well. If you don’t know the story of the Grasshopper and the Ants, take a few minutes and watch the Disney cartoon now. It is an old story, but this cartoon was the way that I first came to know it.

August is often the point in the year by when I’ve gotten too serious and I need to shake off the past seven months. Regroup and give myself a breath of fresh air. August 2016 was an epic one for me as I took my first solo trip out of the country. It was amazing and challenging and I loved every minute of it, but was so glad to get home as well.

These past seven months of 2017 have not been what I expected or planned, which I know is the way life goes. I will be taking this month to heal and rebuild and gather my strength. Over the past seven years, my August ritual has been an important one for my growth and getting my wits about me to end the year strong.

Yesterday, I asked the Universe for a sign so big that I could not ignore the message. My sign came in the form of a beautiful beetle that pestered me throughout my lunch hour - buzzing in my ear and constantly flying around me - and then landed on me. Yes, I did freak out that a giant beetle landed on me, but then I went back to my office and looked up the meaning of beetles.

There has been a lot written about the topic, but some of the messages that beetles bring are about grounding yourself, speaking your truth and transformation. Essentially, the things I strive for daily but especially during August. The beetle was the perfect sign for me as I begin this month of grounding and transformation. I will post updates of what I am up to throughout the month. I have made some plans and left room for spontaneity as well - the perfect balance of grasshopper and ant.